The great wall of myself

Drawn in by a promise,
Prey to your charms,
The dense fog of loneliness abates.
Were you the smoothest of operators
Or was I a Piscean cliché?

Entitled to break only the surface,
But never to delve into depths.
Is the body a mere vehicle? Traces of purple
you marked me,but you never claimed me.

Until the day one does, I build this wall
Stone by stone,
Waiting for you to knock it down
Will you ever come, I fear

Kindly hasten your search,
I can hold on forever if need be,
But what remains wouldn't be
I beg thee,hurry!

Between your lips and a hard place

There I was, waiting for you. Waiting for you to offer me a glimpse of what could happen, if we just forgot the rules for a while...and forget we did.

Afterwards I felt guilty, wondering if your lips touching mine tarnished a good friendship. But you were good to me, probably one of the few to actually care about me.

But now I wonder how you see me? Am I still your friend? Am I a substitute for your real needs? Or am I outside your realm of thoughts? Do you still need me like you needed my companionship?

I sense you feel differently about me. I knew it when you begged me not to see the guy. But you also told me, in a veiled attempt, to forget about you before the fantasies begin.

So here I am, stuck between your lips and a promise to myself. A promise to uphold friendship over love. Maybe what I wanted from you, I was already receiving and by being greedy I lost sight of us. 

All flowers in time bend towards the sun

I thought I was over you.I thought I had moved on, but I guess not. You have every right to be angry or whatever else you feel entitled to. But you don't deserve the power to hurt me. I know that everybody goes through their rough patches and regrets but in the end, we have to learn to grow and bury the past. I'm going to erase you, just like you did me. Maybe the time we spent together meant nothing to your practised, experienced ways. But you forget that you affected me or anyone else who came in your path. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

My memories of you are fading...The spot of ink you left in the story of my life has slowly dulled with the passage of time. Time is a great healer. I realise I have been disrespectful of time. I should have used it more wisely and actively in filling the pages with better experiences. You can never gain back time lost but what you choose to do from this moment forth can heavily impact the rest of your existence. I say 'you' because I know I'll read this another day and remind myself of the turning points in my life, however small.

I have been honest to a fault. Some people just don't get that I do not have ulterior motives. Not everything in life is premeditated. Everyone is lonely, reaching out to people in their own ways. People with the greatest pain on the inside reflect the opposite of what they feel. They try the hardest to make sure no one reaches the low points they have been skimming their whole lives. Empathy needs to work both ways, and people forget that.

I yearn to love. Love should not be bought like lust is. Lust is just a transaction made between two bodies..But love, it's more than a transaction of body and mind. Love should feel easy and as natural as the path of the river flowing out towards the sea. But for most, rocks ,dams and twisted paths come into play and prevent from getting to where we need to go.

I wish you courage and the strength to carry on.

Sinking stone

I'm sinking through an abysmal darkness.
It's cold down here, no warmth from anywhere.
There are glimpses of light, but I'm too weighed down to give chase.
Each time I wish to rise,the current pulls me down.
Yet I know the fighter in me will not give up
till I breath the air I so desperately seek.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIZtHVu5VbE

Let's play the blame game, shall we?

I face forward and sinner I may be, I have done you no wrong.
Yet you are quick to judge and criticise.
A stitch disguised, to tear through the fabric of my existence.
Yet I know your loud judgements are a mask to hide your own secrets.
Are they worse than mine?
At least mine aren't secret anymore and the pleasure was all yours.
I let you think you won, but I knew all along,
the tune to that false song.

The Absurdity of today

I'm writing at the moment,from the floor of my enclosed balcony. I guess I feel comfortable in small places. The larger the volume of space, the more lost I am. It often leads me to wonder, "What is my miniscule contribution to the plethora of thought?"

I would define myself as an overthinker,yet sometimes, I fail to think about the larger facts of life.Somehow its the very things that fail to be discussed that attracts my attention.

From this morning, I've had a reactive day. I decided to go for a jog this morning and being a single woman,even in this time and place, I've found reason to be wary of people.

It started from the moment I left my apartment, headed towards the local favourite joggers paradise.I noticed for some reason, a man cycling towards me.His aura sort of struck out and I felt uneasy. I continued jogging,sometimes through off beaten lanes and as I was turning around the corner I realised the man had followed me . I continued waiting to see which roads he would take but he never made the first move. Now,I was sure he was a creep, probably waiting to corner me.I quickly made my way to the main road and crossed across the road.The creep continued on the other side of the road turning back to look for me.As his gaze met my furious accusation, in front of everybody, I yelled at him saying" Stop following me you creep!(in the most local way possible). He was visibly guilty and just took off.I was so seething mad that inspite of dressing conservatively and taking every precaution I'm still exposed to this ridiculousness.

Then later today as I was rushing to do a thing for a friend( which unfortunately did not materialise), I was subjected today to my next invasion of person, Do excitable men think that they can just brush past a woman, coping a feel? I was horrified that I had to deal with this for the second time today! I also noticed a traffic cop just passing by after the incident. I quickly told him what happened and the old drunk got what he deserved.

Wouldn't it be nice to achieve a state of nirvana, where finally after never ending cycles of rebirth,after relearning mistakes,and you attain freedom from samsara, conquering your faults.

I want to continue talking bout this but my private balcony also makes for the perfect hotbox and, gives me the munchies. So let's talk  at another time. Till then, I'll let you drive this train of thought. Kidding, you can do whatever pleases you but for those interested in minimal techno please give this a listen!

http://8tracks.com/buddy-israel/join-the-dark-side

Navel gazing

I am what is required of me,
yet in a fleeting moment, I can be someone else.
Does it drive you mad?
Or does it urge you to look closer, dig deeper?

When you do, don't be alarmed.
Gazing at me from under a frozen lake,
looking for the break in the surface.
I'll try not to shut you out forever.

You see me as bold, but I am a coward.
My lips may be smiling, but all you ever wanted to know,
you seek in my eyes.
Puzzled and curious, a hound on the hunt,
You won't get anywhere.

Acts of fury borne from love.
Love lies and makes the distorted seem real.
I want you to see me naked for who I may be,
I just hope you aren't disappointed.