Sinking stone

I'm sinking through an abysmal darkness.
It's cold down here, no warmth from anywhere.
There are glimpses of light, but I'm too weighed down to give chase.
Each time I wish to rise,the current pulls me down.
Yet I know the fighter in me will not give up
till I breath the air I so desperately seek.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIZtHVu5VbE

Let's play the blame game, shall we?

I face forward and sinner I may be, I have done you no wrong.
Yet you are quick to judge and criticise.
A stitch disguised, to tear through the fabric of my existence.
Yet I know your loud judgements are a mask to hide your own secrets.
Are they worse than mine?
At least mine aren't secret anymore and the pleasure was all yours.
I let you think you won, but I knew all along,
the tune to that false song.

The Absurdity of today

I'm writing at the moment,from the floor of my enclosed balcony. I guess I feel comfortable in small places. The larger the volume of space, the more lost I am. It often leads me to wonder, "What is my miniscule contribution to the plethora of thought?"

I would define myself as an overthinker,yet sometimes, I fail to think about the larger facts of life.Somehow its the very things that fail to be discussed that attracts my attention.

From this morning, I've had a reactive day. I decided to go for a jog this morning and being a single woman,even in this time and place, I've found reason to be wary of people.

It started from the moment I left my apartment, headed towards the local favourite joggers paradise.I noticed for some reason, a man cycling towards me.His aura sort of struck out and I felt uneasy. I continued jogging,sometimes through off beaten lanes and as I was turning around the corner I realised the man had followed me . I continued waiting to see which roads he would take but he never made the first move. Now,I was sure he was a creep, probably waiting to corner me.I quickly made my way to the main road and crossed across the road.The creep continued on the other side of the road turning back to look for me.As his gaze met my furious accusation, in front of everybody, I yelled at him saying" Stop following me you creep!(in the most local way possible). He was visibly guilty and just took off.I was so seething mad that inspite of dressing conservatively and taking every precaution I'm still exposed to this ridiculousness.

Then later today as I was rushing to do a thing for a friend( which unfortunately did not materialise), I was subjected today to my next invasion of person, Do excitable men think that they can just brush past a woman, coping a feel? I was horrified that I had to deal with this for the second time today! I also noticed a traffic cop just passing by after the incident. I quickly told him what happened and the old drunk got what he deserved.

Wouldn't it be nice to achieve a state of nirvana, where finally after never ending cycles of rebirth,after relearning mistakes,and you attain freedom from samsara, conquering your faults.

I want to continue talking bout this but my private balcony also makes for the perfect hotbox and, gives me the munchies. So let's talk  at another time. Till then, I'll let you drive this train of thought. Kidding, you can do whatever pleases you but for those interested in minimal techno please give this a listen!

http://8tracks.com/buddy-israel/join-the-dark-side

Navel gazing

I am what is required of me,
yet in a fleeting moment, I can be someone else.
Does it drive you mad?
Or does it urge you to look closer, dig deeper?

When you do, don't be alarmed.
Gazing at me from under a frozen lake,
looking for the break in the surface.
I'll try not to shut you out forever.

You see me as bold, but I am a coward.
My lips may be smiling, but all you ever wanted to know,
you seek in my eyes.
Puzzled and curious, a hound on the hunt,
You won't get anywhere.

Acts of fury borne from love.
Love lies and makes the distorted seem real.
I want you to see me naked for who I may be,
I just hope you aren't disappointed.

Make me high

Yes you, I want you. Don't play coy with me.You know you just want to meet my lips and start this romance. Yes, you are what I need right now but goddamnit I can't find the bloody lighter.

I'm sorry for the language.You bring that out sometimes when I've been craving for you. I'm sorry again, I shouldn't treat you like that. You are my friend,you understand me,don't you? Of course you do, how else would you know when to ease my intracranial pressure?

There I found it. I'm feeling romantic today so how about we dim the lights and let the music drown out everything else?

I know you are trembling in anticipation as I draw you close, I am too, though you don't show it. Lighter clicks, inhale, just a taste of you. Oh...you are just right,I never would let you disappoint me.We aren't shy anymore,are we?As I inhale deeper,I want to keep you in,as long as I can, so that you can reach all the depths inside me and figure out where to go. In the same way a diver comes back to the surface for air so also I need to exhale you now.

I close my eyes just for a second to feel the impact your absence left on me.I have to invite you back in and I breathe you in deeper,further this time and you find your way.It's a new trip,this journey you are leading me on. I feel the neurons firing up, lighting the way for me to follow as I fall back and everything overturns.

Is it just me or do you make the music so much better.We are one now,come inside me and make a temporary home. Let's float together and drift peacefully amidst the billowing clouds of smoke. I love that haze you create, everything looks more magical when I see through your eyes. You affect me in a way sense can't. No surprise there.

But why do you have to be so addictive? Bewitching me with a high like no other?Don't leave me just yet, I need you here longer.

I'm at peace now.You can leave if you want.Just don't do anything to startle me on your way out and kill the vibe we just created.

High and Dry

She was just 9 years old when a man touched her in a way she had to make a memory of. She didn't  understand why she should feel any different, he was just a friendly face who spoke sweetly to her and promised her sweets. He led her to the balcony and there was a lot of laughter and questions. But all the while he kept caressing her prepubescent buds. She never understood it then, all she wanted to do was impress this smiling benefactor.

A few years later,caught between the stage of feeling like a woman and afraid to let go of being a playful child, she wished nobody would see her any different. Then came the summer she spent at her grandmother's. She played games with her rarely seen cousins and the house echoed with peals of laughter and unadulterated fun. As the intensity of the hide and seek games increased so did their playfield. She was hiding with her older,charming cousin in the field when they heard the threatening calls of the seeker. As he drew near, the cousin pulled her close to him, a little too close because suddenly she felt different. Keeping low to the ground his hands were firmly planted on her rump as a way of controlling her movement away from the seeker. Even after the seeker left, his hands never did. She was aware of only the uncomfortable pressure, nothing else. She was ashamed that she had imagined things that weren't, so she ignored it like so many other things.

Like a fruit ripens with the passing of time so did she.She was thrust into full fledged womanhood. No chance to go back now. She could barely keep up with what was happening to her and then she learned that she had to protect herself. Ignorance was becoming more difficult but she had been raised to be polite to everybody, how could she retaliate? She hated men and viewed all of them as monsters. They just viewed her as a quick feel or something for their filthy minds to work on.She was afraid all the time but her belief that everybody was good at heart refused to let go.

Then one day something snapped.She was fed up of giving men their chance so she reacted and she felt a thrill so new that it changed her. She turned into a confident, respectable young woman who youngsters actually looked up to.

Then she made the mistake of falling in love and she felt she had to start all over again. She found out teenage boys just wanted a fix to curb their chemical levels. They would be so devious as to win her trust which she valued the most. They would be sympathetic and wonderful.

He forced his tongue on her when she didn't want it but she was afraid to hurt his feelings.She was crying on the inside but fate rescued her. She was so hurt, she shut herself away from the world, with only the tear stained words in her diary as testament to her thoughts. Her gift of trust was trampled and discarded.

But her ability to hope never died inspite of being mistreated. She took the leap again and this time she was rewarded for her bravery. But as new things become old one day she was forced to give up.She stopped thinking. Her thoughts drove her crazy. She stopped caring what happened to her.She was numb and gave into the fact that she was no more than an object.It didn't matter to them if she had been asleep,they didn't need her consent.If fate had reserved a knight to rescue her, this would have been the moment. She laughed sarcastically..just a case of wishful thinking.

Then everything unravelled into a dark vortex. She destroyed herself and nobody wanted to rescue her.Why would they? She was of no value, not anymore,they had their fun.

She will keep existing.She will keep hoping.

Comical Malady

You guys must have heard of Murphy's law right? It states that "If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it." Of course someone will do it,judging by the various fail compilations on youtube. It's unfortunate that science has progressed far enough only to predict and not prevent. Then the dodo wouldn't be an extinct species right now, science would have found a way to save their sorry asses.

Let's look at how Murphy's law has an impact on lives:

1.Law of Inconvenient Malfunction: A device will fail at the least opportune possible moment.

This has happened to me on countless occasions. Most memorable ones are my laptop conking out on me when I SO desperately needed to finish my submissions.My otherwise content to be whirring laptop suddenly giving the death groan is a subject of recurrent nightmares.

2.Law of Cable length reach-ability: If you choose an extension cable at random, the probability that it reaches the other side of your room (where all your electronics have to be) is equal to zero.

3.First Law of Selective Gravitation: When an object is dropped, it will fall in such a way as to cause the greatest possible damage to itself and/or other objects on which it lands.

I somehow caused a 3000 page almanac to flip over on itself and land on my brand new HD. Oh did I mention the waltzing duo fell on my foot?

4. Second Law of Selective Gravitation: The tendency for an object to be dropped is directly proportional to its value.

Sounds of cracking touchscreens and ipods familiar to anyone?

5. Law of Magical parts that fit nowhere: Ever had to assemble something and be left with the simplest looking bit but have no clue where it goes?

Well mine is more a case of imaginative assemblage: Admiring my new phone, I left it on the bed for a short while. When I returned there was the tiniest screw next to it.I panicked and wondered from which orifice of my portable companion it had travelled and before I knew it I had permanently lodged a screw down the audio jack. I should have realised it fell from my head.