Awakening

 

Shroud of the night, ghostly white

Envelopes all the land 

In the deepest of slumbers.

A mystic by birthright 

Who offers

Fleeting glimpses of insight

Alas, the songbirds with their dawn chorus

Herald the time of awakening

As Eros leaves Psyche's side

The time is nigh

To uncover all that is hidden

The coaxing warmth of the sun

Stirs the earth from her langour

As the mist bids a reluctant retreat 

How glorious be this miracle

That renews it's promises 

Day by day

The Journey

 

Triumphant are those first moments,

The announced arrival of a train, pulling into it’s station,

Carrying you onwards on a journey mandated.

With time left behind and a distilled sense of the future.

A screeching halt foreshadow moments to come, 

Forever frozen in the frames of the mind.

Yet the pilgrimage continues, seemingly undeterred

Glimpses of deep exhilaration can be spied in the blurred chaos

Echoes of a great sense of stillness and peace,

Rippling through the submerged universe...

Each one a master of their destiny

Yet a novice to fate

Embrace of a Python

Heart pounding, Head throbbing
High tide arrives,in a ricochet of the senses
The eyes see, magnifies,
Reflection in the mirror,
A stranger with white pallor

The world fades yet the pressure builds.
broken armour,
and in the run down seams,
fear spills over in a conquest of terror
The body frozen, the chest tightens
Panic is a Python
Embracing to kill

The neverending pursuit of happiness

In the past two years, I've had to deal with situations I never thought I would ever have to. I've been to hell and back. I've seen some of the lower points of my life. Everything, I realised , happened because I tried to force happiness. Big mistake.

I panicked because I thought I was running out of time. Hence I willingly jumped ship, thinking I'll surely find a life jacket along the way. But trusting in blind optimism is a stupid thing, as I learned the hard way.

I used to look into the mirror, admire myself and seek out reasons to believe I'm good enough. I exhibited this in ways that honestly turned into an addiction. But now I hardly look in the mirror, I feel that what I need is inside me and I don't need a mirror to validate me.

Heartbreak kid

Playing games and breaking hearts,
It's all fun for you.
It was for me too, till I met you.

You made me take a leap of faith,
For reasons still unexplained.
I wonder what would happen if we both got on the same page?

I wish I didn't feel this way.
But the heart wants what it wants,
I try my best to keep my mouth shut,
In hopes the truth wouldn't drive you away.

I can live with the present,
Knowing that it's possible to meet someone like you.
But I'll always wonder, what if you were the closest
And I'll also wonder if you are just too good at playing your games.

Well I guess I just have to learn the hard way.

An appeal to innocence

If I find you again,
Will all be right with my world?
Lessons yet to be learned,
I take my time
For an encounter with you.

A wish - is wisdom hoping
That I uncover my senses.
Temptation, you win!
With your twin desolation to greet me.

How long will I be shackled
Conjuring the key to my redemption?
I ponder these incantations,
In the Imbroglio of the moment

 Mortification runs the course.

Finding Love

So this is my 23rd post. The number 23 has always held a special meaning for me, maybe because my own Birthday falls on a 23. Watch the movie 'number 23' if you haven't already. Amazing to see Jim Carrey portray such an intense character.

Coming to the point. What is love and how do you find it? My own parents found each other and I'm glad they did ( not because I was an eventual result but because there is nothing more beautiful than two people fitting together in harmony) Does the soulmate exist? For some it's a myth and for others, their cherished fantasies brought to life.

I'm sceptical about love but at the same time there is nothing more I would want. But I'm so tired already of learning the steps of the dance, figuring out how to dance with each person, only to fumble and lose my footing.

What about the ones who haven't found their so called soulmate? Are they leading a life any less unfulfilled? Does being content not be enough?

I think finding love is having the courage to keep dancing until you find the right partner. Sure you need practise but eventually your step falls in line with your partner. Maybe it's all an adjustment to fool yourself into thinking that this is a good dance.

I'm not sure if I want a wild tango or a steady waltz. But I do know that someday I want to dance with someone who can keep up with me, no matter the tempo.

The great wall of myself

Drawn in by a promise,
Prey to your charms,
The dense fog of loneliness abates.
Were you the smoothest of operators
Or was I a Piscean cliché?

Entitled to break only the surface,
But never to delve into depths.
Is the body a mere vehicle? Traces of purple
you marked me,but you never claimed me.

Until the day one does, I build this wall
Stone by stone,
Waiting for you to knock it down
Will you ever come, I fear

Kindly hasten your search,
I can hold on forever if need be,
But what remains wouldn't be
I beg thee,hurry!

Between your lips and a hard place

There I was, waiting for you. Waiting for you to offer me a glimpse of what could happen, if we just forgot the rules for a while...and forget we did.

Afterwards I felt guilty, wondering if your lips touching mine tarnished a good friendship. But you were good to me, probably one of the few to actually care about me.

But now I wonder how you see me? Am I still your friend? Am I a substitute for your real needs? Or am I outside your realm of thoughts? Do you still need me like you needed my companionship?

I sense you feel differently about me. I knew it when you begged me not to see the guy. But you also told me, in a veiled attempt, to forget about you before the fantasies begin.

So here I am, stuck between your lips and a promise to myself. A promise to uphold friendship over love. Maybe what I wanted from you, I was already receiving and by being greedy I lost sight of us. 

All flowers in time bend towards the sun

I thought I was over you.I thought I had moved on, but I guess not. You have every right to be angry or whatever else you feel entitled to. But you don't deserve the power to hurt me. I know that everybody goes through their rough patches and regrets but in the end, we have to learn to grow and bury the past. I'm going to erase you, just like you did me. Maybe the time we spent together meant nothing to your practised, experienced ways. But you forget that you affected me or anyone else who came in your path. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

My memories of you are fading...The spot of ink you left in the story of my life has slowly dulled with the passage of time. Time is a great healer. I realise I have been disrespectful of time. I should have used it more wisely and actively in filling the pages with better experiences. You can never gain back time lost but what you choose to do from this moment forth can heavily impact the rest of your existence. I say 'you' because I know I'll read this another day and remind myself of the turning points in my life, however small.

I have been honest to a fault. Some people just don't get that I do not have ulterior motives. Not everything in life is premeditated. Everyone is lonely, reaching out to people in their own ways. People with the greatest pain on the inside reflect the opposite of what they feel. They try the hardest to make sure no one reaches the low points they have been skimming their whole lives. Empathy needs to work both ways, and people forget that.

I yearn to love. Love should not be bought like lust is. Lust is just a transaction made between two bodies..But love, it's more than a transaction of body and mind. Love should feel easy and as natural as the path of the river flowing out towards the sea. But for most, rocks ,dams and twisted paths come into play and prevent from getting to where we need to go.

I wish you courage and the strength to carry on.

Sinking stone

I'm sinking through an abysmal darkness.
It's cold down here, no warmth from anywhere.
There are glimpses of light, but I'm too weighed down to give chase.
Each time I wish to rise,the current pulls me down.
Yet I know the fighter in me will not give up
till I breath the air I so desperately seek.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIZtHVu5VbE

Let's play the blame game, shall we?

I face forward and sinner I may be, I have done you no wrong.
Yet you are quick to judge and criticise.
A stitch disguised, to tear through the fabric of my existence.
Yet I know your loud judgements are a mask to hide your own secrets.
Are they worse than mine?
At least mine aren't secret anymore and the pleasure was all yours.
I let you think you won, but I knew all along,
the tune to that false song.

The Absurdity of today

I'm writing at the moment,from the floor of my enclosed balcony. I guess I feel comfortable in small places. The larger the volume of space, the more lost I am. It often leads me to wonder, "What is my miniscule contribution to the plethora of thought?"

I would define myself as an overthinker,yet sometimes, I fail to think about the larger facts of life.Somehow its the very things that fail to be discussed that attracts my attention.

From this morning, I've had a reactive day. I decided to go for a jog this morning and being a single woman,even in this time and place, I've found reason to be wary of people.

It started from the moment I left my apartment, headed towards the local favourite joggers paradise.I noticed for some reason, a man cycling towards me.His aura sort of struck out and I felt uneasy. I continued jogging,sometimes through off beaten lanes and as I was turning around the corner I realised the man had followed me . I continued waiting to see which roads he would take but he never made the first move. Now,I was sure he was a creep, probably waiting to corner me.I quickly made my way to the main road and crossed across the road.The creep continued on the other side of the road turning back to look for me.As his gaze met my furious accusation, in front of everybody, I yelled at him saying" Stop following me you creep!(in the most local way possible). He was visibly guilty and just took off.I was so seething mad that inspite of dressing conservatively and taking every precaution I'm still exposed to this ridiculousness.

Then later today as I was rushing to do a thing for a friend( which unfortunately did not materialise), I was subjected today to my next invasion of person, Do excitable men think that they can just brush past a woman, coping a feel? I was horrified that I had to deal with this for the second time today! I also noticed a traffic cop just passing by after the incident. I quickly told him what happened and the old drunk got what he deserved.

Wouldn't it be nice to achieve a state of nirvana, where finally after never ending cycles of rebirth,after relearning mistakes,and you attain freedom from samsara, conquering your faults.

I want to continue talking bout this but my private balcony also makes for the perfect hotbox and, gives me the munchies. So let's talk  at another time. Till then, I'll let you drive this train of thought. Kidding, you can do whatever pleases you but for those interested in minimal techno please give this a listen!

http://8tracks.com/buddy-israel/join-the-dark-side

Navel gazing

I am what is required of me,
yet in a fleeting moment, I can be someone else.
Does it drive you mad?
Or does it urge you to look closer, dig deeper?

When you do, don't be alarmed.
Gazing at me from under a frozen lake,
looking for the break in the surface.
I'll try not to shut you out forever.

You see me as bold, but I am a coward.
My lips may be smiling, but all you ever wanted to know,
you seek in my eyes.
Puzzled and curious, a hound on the hunt,
You won't get anywhere.

Acts of fury borne from love.
Love lies and makes the distorted seem real.
I want you to see me naked for who I may be,
I just hope you aren't disappointed.

Make me high

Yes you, I want you. Don't play coy with me.You know you just want to meet my lips and start this romance. Yes, you are what I need right now but goddamnit I can't find the bloody lighter.

I'm sorry for the language.You bring that out sometimes when I've been craving for you. I'm sorry again, I shouldn't treat you like that. You are my friend,you understand me,don't you? Of course you do, how else would you know when to ease my intracranial pressure?

There I found it. I'm feeling romantic today so how about we dim the lights and let the music drown out everything else?

I know you are trembling in anticipation as I draw you close, I am too, though you don't show it. Lighter clicks, inhale, just a taste of you. Oh...you are just right,I never would let you disappoint me.We aren't shy anymore,are we?As I inhale deeper,I want to keep you in,as long as I can, so that you can reach all the depths inside me and figure out where to go. In the same way a diver comes back to the surface for air so also I need to exhale you now.

I close my eyes just for a second to feel the impact your absence left on me.I have to invite you back in and I breathe you in deeper,further this time and you find your way.It's a new trip,this journey you are leading me on. I feel the neurons firing up, lighting the way for me to follow as I fall back and everything overturns.

Is it just me or do you make the music so much better.We are one now,come inside me and make a temporary home. Let's float together and drift peacefully amidst the billowing clouds of smoke. I love that haze you create, everything looks more magical when I see through your eyes. You affect me in a way sense can't. No surprise there.

But why do you have to be so addictive? Bewitching me with a high like no other?Don't leave me just yet, I need you here longer.

I'm at peace now.You can leave if you want.Just don't do anything to startle me on your way out and kill the vibe we just created.

High and Dry

She was just 9 years old when a man touched her in a way she had to make a memory of. She didn't  understand why she should feel any different, he was just a friendly face who spoke sweetly to her and promised her sweets. He led her to the balcony and there was a lot of laughter and questions. But all the while he kept caressing her prepubescent buds. She never understood it then, all she wanted to do was impress this smiling benefactor.

A few years later,caught between the stage of feeling like a woman and afraid to let go of being a playful child, she wished nobody would see her any different. Then came the summer she spent at her grandmother's. She played games with her rarely seen cousins and the house echoed with peals of laughter and unadulterated fun. As the intensity of the hide and seek games increased so did their playfield. She was hiding with her older,charming cousin in the field when they heard the threatening calls of the seeker. As he drew near, the cousin pulled her close to him, a little too close because suddenly she felt different. Keeping low to the ground his hands were firmly planted on her rump as a way of controlling her movement away from the seeker. Even after the seeker left, his hands never did. She was aware of only the uncomfortable pressure, nothing else. She was ashamed that she had imagined things that weren't, so she ignored it like so many other things.

Like a fruit ripens with the passing of time so did she.She was thrust into full fledged womanhood. No chance to go back now. She could barely keep up with what was happening to her and then she learned that she had to protect herself. Ignorance was becoming more difficult but she had been raised to be polite to everybody, how could she retaliate? She hated men and viewed all of them as monsters. They just viewed her as a quick feel or something for their filthy minds to work on.She was afraid all the time but her belief that everybody was good at heart refused to let go.

Then one day something snapped.She was fed up of giving men their chance so she reacted and she felt a thrill so new that it changed her. She turned into a confident, respectable young woman who youngsters actually looked up to.

Then she made the mistake of falling in love and she felt she had to start all over again. She found out teenage boys just wanted a fix to curb their chemical levels. They would be so devious as to win her trust which she valued the most. They would be sympathetic and wonderful.

He forced his tongue on her when she didn't want it but she was afraid to hurt his feelings.She was crying on the inside but fate rescued her. She was so hurt, she shut herself away from the world, with only the tear stained words in her diary as testament to her thoughts. Her gift of trust was trampled and discarded.

But her ability to hope never died inspite of being mistreated. She took the leap again and this time she was rewarded for her bravery. But as new things become old one day she was forced to give up.She stopped thinking. Her thoughts drove her crazy. She stopped caring what happened to her.She was numb and gave into the fact that she was no more than an object.It didn't matter to them if she had been asleep,they didn't need her consent.If fate had reserved a knight to rescue her, this would have been the moment. She laughed sarcastically..just a case of wishful thinking.

Then everything unravelled into a dark vortex. She destroyed herself and nobody wanted to rescue her.Why would they? She was of no value, not anymore,they had their fun.

She will keep existing.She will keep hoping.

Comical Malady

You guys must have heard of Murphy's law right? It states that "If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it." Of course someone will do it,judging by the various fail compilations on youtube. It's unfortunate that science has progressed far enough only to predict and not prevent. Then the dodo wouldn't be an extinct species right now, science would have found a way to save their sorry asses.

Let's look at how Murphy's law has an impact on lives:

1.Law of Inconvenient Malfunction: A device will fail at the least opportune possible moment.

This has happened to me on countless occasions. Most memorable ones are my laptop conking out on me when I SO desperately needed to finish my submissions.My otherwise content to be whirring laptop suddenly giving the death groan is a subject of recurrent nightmares.

2.Law of Cable length reach-ability: If you choose an extension cable at random, the probability that it reaches the other side of your room (where all your electronics have to be) is equal to zero.

3.First Law of Selective Gravitation: When an object is dropped, it will fall in such a way as to cause the greatest possible damage to itself and/or other objects on which it lands.

I somehow caused a 3000 page almanac to flip over on itself and land on my brand new HD. Oh did I mention the waltzing duo fell on my foot?

4. Second Law of Selective Gravitation: The tendency for an object to be dropped is directly proportional to its value.

Sounds of cracking touchscreens and ipods familiar to anyone?

5. Law of Magical parts that fit nowhere: Ever had to assemble something and be left with the simplest looking bit but have no clue where it goes?

Well mine is more a case of imaginative assemblage: Admiring my new phone, I left it on the bed for a short while. When I returned there was the tiniest screw next to it.I panicked and wondered from which orifice of my portable companion it had travelled and before I knew it I had permanently lodged a screw down the audio jack. I should have realised it fell from my head.

Of Lies and Love

I am fortunate to have really good friends. In the past , I had made mistakes when it came to trusting people because I blindly trusted the people that were friends of my boyfriend at that time. Stupid, I know...your friends are your friends, you can't include the ones that just appear friendly.

I love my friends right now.I can tell them anything under the sun without fear of being betrayed. It's true, we have hurt each other, sometimes even had cold wars brewing but the important thing is we were able to move past it all. Nobody can understand you better than best friends. They know how you think, how you react, the things you love. I am fortunate.

Last night I faced an unsettling situation. A person who was previously close to me tried to slander my beliefs about some friends. Me, being a typical aquarian sought to figure things out with logic first rather than heart. So, I got swayed by his evidence but my heart knew it was all false. I'm still apprehensive about it but I like to get to the bottom of things, so I confronted this friend who supposedly did me grave wrong. Things couldn't have been more clearer because I did know what kind of a person the individual was. But how did my informant know all this stuff then? I need to be careful henceforth.

Love note to a tear

You are beautiful when you cry.

That deep flush of vermillion spreading and colouring your face.
Tears quivering and threatening to fall over the slopes of your cheeks.
Your button nose, bulbous now.
That look of total helplessness, reduced to the emotions of a child.
You cry in self defense for fear that by holding it in, the dam will burst someday.
Your cries are silent, stifled... but your heart is loud - like an iceberg cracking.

There is a light in you, when the ordeal is over,
Peace dawning on your face, as the clouds shift over the earth.
I can see you drawing your armour, that invisible shield all around you.
In your eyes I see not weakness, but strength.
I love you

The First Time

 The first time I heard his voice, I never thought he would be the one voice I had longed to hear.

The first time our eyes locked ,we felt like two eagles, mated for life, spiraling down together in a freefall .

The first time our hearts stopped beating,everything else suspended in time and I could see my eyes mirrored in his..It was perfection.

The first time he stared at me with all abandon, I was scared but also strangely enamored by his intensity.

The first time, we both let our inhibitions run free, we opened up a world of possibilities and every time felt like the first time.

The first time he held me in his arms when I was in pain, I thought that would be the last time I experienced pain.

The first time he hurt me, I hurt him more.

The first time can be novel only so many times...